The (DIY) Depression Scale

“I’m usually not depressed.” I smile. “Most of the time, I’m fine.” That feels like a good place to start the conversation. Manage expectations. Set the stage. Depression is painfully common, but it’s still so mystified. We’re embarrassed to say we feel depressed (at least to each other’s faces), and do not even speak ofContinue reading “The (DIY) Depression Scale”

Day 21: Early Results + Writing Dates (Sugar Challenge)

Early Results I don’t want to celebrate too early, but I’ve been going out to dinner three nights in a row, and I’ve actually been having fun, which is a really big deal for me. For context: I’ve always hated going out to dinner, and it’s one of my most consistent anxiety triggers. Even whenContinue reading “Day 21: Early Results + Writing Dates (Sugar Challenge)”

Rituals for Grief (The First Birthday)

July 5, 2022 – Anglesey Today would have been opa’s 85th birthday. He almost made it. After a lovely dinner with the whole family, my parents, partner, and I retreat to the huge backyard. The sky is a dark ink blue – a lifetime of words quietly bleeding through the clouds, into the sky –Continue reading “Rituals for Grief (The First Birthday)”

The Crushing Guilt of “Grieving Wrong”

Note: if you haven’t read Part 1: The First Days of Grief, you might want to start there. We flew to New York the morning after the funeral. For me, the hardest part of grieving has been the crushing guilt of always feeling like I’m somehow grieving the wrong way. Some days, I drown myselfContinue reading “The Crushing Guilt of “Grieving Wrong””

The First Days of Grief

I lost my grandfather. My favourite person in the whole world. (When I told him – barely two weeks before he passed – he smiled widely and squeezed my hand. “Favourite person?” he said, raising an eyebrow, barely suppressing a chuckle. I nodded vehemently. “Yes, that’s right. And I meant it.” We smiled at eachContinue reading “The First Days of Grief”

The Artist’s Way – Week 5: Recovering a sense of possibility

I did 32 days of Morning Pages in 33 days, broke a chainsaw with my mind, and ate vegan pizza in bed. In other words: I finished week 5 of The Artist’s Way. Artist Date I’m still struggling to plan proper Artist Dates on a weekly basis. This week, I had a panic attack andContinue reading “The Artist’s Way – Week 5: Recovering a sense of possibility”

The Artist’s Way – Week 4: Recovering a sense of integrity

What do you mean I can’t read all week? This was the infamous week of the Reading Deprivation, and I’d love to say that I continued my “good student streak” and did a great job at it, but I really didn’t. I did, however, learn a lot about why I read. I just started writingContinue reading “The Artist’s Way – Week 4: Recovering a sense of integrity”

The Artist’s Way – Week 3: Recovering a sense of power

“This is the most confident I have ever seen you.” The morning pages are changing my life. It’s been three weeks, and I have a sense of clarity that I’ve never really had before. Suddenly, I can see the road opening up before me, revealing more and more steps. I can see what has beenContinue reading “The Artist’s Way – Week 3: Recovering a sense of power”

The Artist’s Way – Week 2: Recovering a sense of identity

“I really really really really really want to be on stage again.” That’s how I ended last week’s reflection. The following Monday, I got a phone call. Four days later, I was back on stage, as a choir member in a big production on Dutch national television. Thank you, Universe. This week was pretty magical.Continue reading “The Artist’s Way – Week 2: Recovering a sense of identity”

The Artist’s Way – Week 1: Recovering a sense of safety

1. Morning Pages I’ve done the morning pages every day since I started reading the book. It’s been surprisingly nice and grounding. I started out trying to make sense. Then I realized I don’t have to, and I just started following my thoughts, wherever they went. You don’t have to make sense to anybody. ThisContinue reading “The Artist’s Way – Week 1: Recovering a sense of safety”